Why I wrote my memoir

People ask me why I wrote my book. What could I possibly have to add to the existing memoirs and other non-fiction books about meth addiction. There are two reasons.

1) There hasn't been, or maybe I should say, "I haven't come across," any accounts of meth abuse and recovery written by a woman.

2) There is a kind of hidden sub-set of meth addicts: middle to upper class, professional, soccer moms and dads...doctors and lawyers...cops and professors...

"Not every alcoholic is laying in the gutter, and not every meth addict has their teeth falling out and jib sores all over their face. People like me and lots of people I knew were doing meth for years and we had jobs and businesses. No one knew. Some of my friends suspected I had an eating disorder, but none of them thought I was a meth addict.

For addicts like me, your life might be a total shambles behind closed doors, but outwardly, you look fairly normal. That's the thing with meth, it's a little different for everybody."

Caitlin L. - 27 mos. clean


According to some substance abuse professionals, we are the hardest addicts to treat. The main reason is denial. We're called "functioning addicts" because we seem to lead typical lives. No one would ever suspect that beneath the facade lies the horror and shame of being a meth addict. I mean, really....who wants to be grouped in with the images people see every day in the media? That's not us. It's just not. It can't be, right? Meth is a drug used by dirty, low class people who were pretty fucked up to begin with. Right?

Not always. Meth has seeped its way into every nook and cranny of society in countries all over the globe. I've personally known teachers, doctors, lawyers, professors, cops and one highly decorated, retired marine, who was in his '70's - all in the throws of their addiction. Some of them are dead now. I don't know what happened to others. What I do know is that these people aren't isolated cases.


The following list is long, but not complete by any measure.


*Fairfax County, Virginia Teacher Charged With Possessing Methamphetamine (May 9th, 2008)

*Largest Kosher Meat Plant In U.S. Was Housing A Meth Lab (May 2008)

*Federal U.S. Postal Carrier Sentenced In Paradise, California - Had Six Year Meth Habit (May 2008)

*A Wisconsin Mother Who Was Given A Second Chance By A Judge After Her Child Died While She Was High On Methamphetamine Has Been Arrested Again For Drunk Driving With Her Children - Age 2 & 3 In The Car (May 2008)

*California Lawyer Gets 20 Years For Meth Scheme (May 29th, 2008)

*Indiana Correctional Officer Had Meth Lab In His Garage Police Allege (April 2008)

*Saint Landry Parish Deputy Crashes Cruiser And Admits To Being Under The Influence Of Crystal Meth, Cocaine, and Loritab (April 2008)

*Disney Star Pleads Guilty To Meth Charges (April 2008)

*A CNN Reporter Will Avoid Jail Time For Meth Possession If He Undergoes Drug Counseling And Therapy (April 18th, 2008).

*Cancer Researcher, Professor Of Pharmacology And Recipient Of Millions In Grants Sentenced To 35 months In Prison For Dealing Methamphetamine (October 2007).

*Cedar Ridge School District Teacher Faces Meth Charges (April 2008)

*Tuscon Ice Cream Distributor Suspected Of Selling Methamphetamine (April 2008)

*Doctor Who Pioneered AIDS Research Faces Jail Time Over Meth Use (April 2008)

*KFC Delivery Boy Arrested For Also Delivering Methamphetamine (March 2008)

*Mills High School English Teacher And Student Body Advisor Arrested For Possession Of Methamphetamine Was Filming Female Students In School Washroom Police Allege (March 2008)

*Oklahoma Lawyer Suspended Over Ethics Violations And Addiction To Methamphetamine (March 2008)

*Grandmother Sold Meth Near School (March 2008)

*Graham County High School Coach And Teacher Charged With 14 Counts Of Manufacturing Methamphetamine (March 2008)

*Cullman Teenager Arrested For Making Meth (March 2008)

*Meth Lab Found On Posey County Sheriff's Parents' Property (April 2008)

*Pickens Judge Indicted, Arrested On Another Drug Charge - Charged With Methamphetamine Possession Twice In Less Than Two Week

*Principal Of Alternative Learning School, Plus 27 Others Indicted As Members Of A Meth Ring.
*Lexington Lawyer Gets Two Years For Planning To Make Methamphetamine

*Daycare Was Doubling As A Methamphetamine Lab - Owners Charged.

*Teacher Accused Of Selling Methamphetamine From School.

*Spencer County Chief Deputy, 7 Others Indicted On Meth Manufacturing Charges.

*Wife Of County Judge Charged With Meth Possession

*59 Year Old Judge In Alabama Removed From Bench In 2006 After Arrest On Meth
Manufacturing Charge - Pleads Guilty In August 2007

*Bakersfield Teacher Accused Of Making Meth At Home & At School

*Licensed Lawyer & Three-time National Collegiate Champion Boxer Who Appeared On NBC's Reality Series "The Contender" Temporarily Suspended For Suspected Meth Use

*Thirteen & Fourteen Year Old Were Cooking Meth From Recipes Found On Internet

*Former Public Defender Sentenced To More Than Fifteen Years For Conspiracy To Distribute Meth

*Oregon Lawyer & State Repesentative Caught With Methamphetamine - Vows To Resign

*Second-grade Teacher At Johnson County Elementary School Arrested For Suspicion Of Meth Manufacturing

*Female attorney facing meth charges tests positive for the drug.

*Former UAF basketball player in court on meth charges

*County High School teacher arrested for possession of meth making chemicals

*A Highly Decorated 18-Year Veteran Of The Oakland County Sheriff's Department Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine - Found Unconscious In Truck With Belt Around His Arm And A Syringe In His Lap.

*Luna County Sheriff's Deputy Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine.

*22 Year Veteran Of Honolulu Police Force Gets Five Years Prison For Selling Methamphetamine

*81 Year-Old Man Faces Up To 12 Years In Prison After Being Convicted Of Selling Methamphetamine.

*Retired St. Paul Police Officer Pleads Guilty To Possession Of 12 Pounds Of Methamphetamine With Intent To Distribute

*Speech Language Pathologist With Fort Smith School District Accused Of Delivery Of Methamphetamine.

*District Attorney's nephew to stand trial for methamphetamine & burglary charges

*Sheriff's Deputy in Sanpete County, Utah Charged With Using And Stealing Methamphetamine From A Police Evidence Room

*50 Year Old Elementary School Art Teacher Charged With Keeping Meth In Desk

*Anti-Drug Investigator charged with stealing seven kilos of methamphetamine.

*Dallas County Sheriff Awaits Court Appearance Over Missing Guns, Money, Marijuana And Methamphetamine.

*Award-winning Anti-Drug Essayist Gets 10 Years For Distributing Meth

*Special Education Teacher In Oahu Accused Of Dealing Crystal Meth

*83 Year Old Woman Accused Of Attempting To Smuggle 10 Pounds Of Meth

*Fernley Intermediate School Teacher And Husband Charged With Selling Methamphetamine

*First Grade Elementary School Teacher Arrested For Allegedly Possessing Methamphetamine

*Animal Control Officer Arrested For Possession Of Methamphetamine

*One Of The Nation's Most Influential Evangelical Leaders Admits To Buying Methamphetamine

*Drug Counselor In New York Charged With Operating A Meth Lab

*Children's Aid Society Worker Convicted Of Trafficking A Kilo Of Methamphetamine

*Citibank VP Had A Meth Lab In His Penthouse

*Former Bank Of America Manager And Meth Addict Commits Suicide In Jail

*Doctoral Student And Fullbright Scholar At Columbia University Charged With Making Meth

*Cook County Assistant State’s Attorney Charged With Meth Possession

*Operator Of Deadly Crane Collapse Had A History Of Meth Use

*Senior Citizen Was Selling Crystal Methamphetamine From Home

*Third Grade Teacher Busted For Fraud, Possession Of Methamphetamine

*Former Beauty Pageant Winner Was Addicted To Meth

*Moss Point Police Officer Arrested For Possession With Intent To Distribute Methamphetamine

*2003 Mississippi "Businessman Of The Year" Charged With Operating Meth Lab

*Former Hutchinson Correctional Facility Employee Pleads Guilty To Trafficking Methamphetamine

*Prominent Estate Lawyer Arrested For Methamphetamine

*Louisiana Doctor Pleads Guilty To Buying Half Pound Of Methamphetamine

*Town Official (50) And Wife (48) Charged With Operating Meth Lab

*Member Of The Crystal Lake City Council Charged With Possession Of Methamphetamine

*Mayor, Police Chief, Police Dispatcher & Bail Bondsman Face Charges Involving Methamphetamine, Theft & Sex Ring

*Wabash Valley Correctional Facility Officer Arrested For Financing Delivery Of Methamphetamine

*Manager Of Marysville Burger King Charged With Selling Methamphetamine From The Drive-Through Window

*First Grade teacher at Christ the King School Arrested In Maui's Biggest Drug Bust - 14 1/2 Pounds Of Cocaine, 6 Pounds Of Crystal Methamphetamine Seized

*Former Howard High School Teacher Sentenced To Six Years For Meth Distribution Conspiracy

*Former County Prosecutor On Drug Charges - Detectives Discover Methamphetamine, Guns And Drug Paraphernalia In Attorney's Home

*Former National Merit Scholar Semi-Finalist With BA In Psychology & Olympic Track Aspirations Pleads Guilty To Murdering Girlfriend During "Methamphetamine-Induced Psychosis"

*Former River Hill High School Teacher Sentenced To 6 1/2 Years For Scheme To Sell $ 50,000 Worth Of Methamphetamine

*Former Brownwood Police Officer Sentenced In Methamphetamine Distribution Conspiracy

*75 Year Old Grandmother Sold Methamphetamine From Home

*Special Education Aide At Carson City School District Arrested For Suspicion Of Felony Possession Of Methamphetamine

*Employee Of Health And Human Services Arrested On Suspicion Of Felony Trafficking In Methamphetamine

*50 Year Old Middle School Principal In Pennsylvania Accused Of Dealing Methamphetamine From His Office

*Ex-Township Supervisor In Michigan Pleads Guilty In Meth Case

*Vice President And CEO of Company That Distributed Over-The-Counter Cold Medicines To Convenience Stores Gets 20 Years Prison For Conspiracy To Distribute Ingredients Used To Make Meth

*Use Of Methamphetamine By Grandmother Played A Role In The Death Of Her Grandson In Vehicle Fire, Drug Expert Testifies

*Kids Soccer Coach In Michigan Arrested On Charges Of Manufacturing/Delivery Of Methamphetamine

*Former California State Prison Guard Pleads Guilty To Smuggling Methamphetamine Into Amador County Prison And Delivering It To Inmates

*Radio Personality From Central Georgia Sentenced To Prison On Federal Charge Involving Methamphetamine

*23-year veteran of the St. Paul Police Department goes to federal prison next month to start serving a five year sentence on a methamphetamine charge.

*Custodian At High School For More Than Eight Years Allegedly Sold Crystal Meth Out Of Her Car And On Campus

*Major Housing Developer Accused of buying $ 50,000 worth of methamphetamine in Pennsylvania

*Convenience Store Owner Charged With Meth Trafficking

*Daughter Of Chief Justice In Canada Pleads Guilty To Several Charges Relating To Identity Fraud - Family Says Addiction To Crystal Meth Is To Blame

*Seventeen Year Old Teen Overcome By Fumes While Trying To Cook Crystal Meth Was "Just Trying To Learn About Science."

*Man Described As A Model Citizen And Family Man Behind New Jersey's Largest Ever Meth Seizure

*Evansville Attorney Accused Of Having A Meth Lab Inside His Law Office

*43 year old Phenix City, Alabama elementary school teacher was arrested Friday night for allegedly manufacturing methamphetamine in her home.

*Iowa Doctor Arrested For Possession With Intent To Deliver After 11 Pounds Of Meth Found In His Home

*Lawyer Charged With Deputy's Death Had Methamphetamine In His System

*63 year Old Former Lake Ozark Alderman Busted For Methamphetamine

*47 Year Old Pottsboro Dentist Arrested for Meth Use

*Second Lawyer In Two Weeks Arrested For Selling Meth To Police Informant In Evansville

*Probation Officer Arrested For Selling Methamphetamine

*Attorney & Chairman of National Drug Council Convicted Of Meth Possession (Cayman Islands)
*Police Chief In Damascus Virginia Charged With Selling Meth To Undercover Informant

*Popular Country Singer Who Topped The Charts In The 70's Charged With Possession Of Meth
*Resident At Veterans Administation Hospital Found Making Meth In Room

*Grandmother, 83 Was A Meth Cook Authorities Allege

*Former Sheriff's Deputy Pleads Guilty To Possession Of 33 Bags Of Crystal Meth

*46 Year Old Athletic Director Of Butler High School In Missouri Arrested For Running A Meth Lab


**Special thanks to allpositiveoptions.com

Chuck Palahniuk - 13 Writing Tips

*Disclaimer: Yesterday's post was a joke, although I did actually receive that e-mail. I think some people read too much into it. If I ever DO win the lottery (in any country) I'll probably keep it to myself rather than post my good fortune on the Internet.




I love Chuck Palahniuk's work. FIGHT CLUB was amazing and INVISIBLE MONSTERS was intriguing enough that I read it three times in a row. A favorite quote from his essay, 13 Writing Tips: "his face was slack and wrinkled as the empty ass of his jeans."

What Now?

This is a repost from last year. I've been hearing from people who are brand new to recovery, and are asking, "What now? What do I do besides use?" I hope this helps answer those questions.

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

This is a line from a song I remember from awhile ago and I think it's appropriate to recovery. It's important for addicts to stretch their wings. When I speak to groups about recovery, one question that is always asked is: What do you do to fill all your time now that you're not using?

Being an addict takes a lot of time. From looking for drugs, to doing drugs, to trying to figure out how to get more drugs...it's a full time job. Just the ritual of using consumes huge amounts of time. So what do you do when you find yourself sober with vast chunks of time on your hands?

Here's what I tell the women who ask me this question, since it's typically women I'm speaking to. Think back to your childhood - the time in your life before you started using. What was it that made you happiest? What did you spend most of your free time doing? Maybe it was reading, or drawing. Maybe it was riding a bike or other sports. Or what have you always wanted to do? It doesn't have to be some grand undertaking. It does have to be something that makes you happy, and it should be something that challenges you.

For me, it's writing. I've always loved to write and even in the depth of my addiction, I kept journals. When I was flailing around in early sobriety trying to find ways to fill my time, I experimented with different things, but it was always writing, and reading, that I came back to.

At first it was mostly reading. I've been reading since I was four years old and it's been a life long passion. As a meth addict, though, it's almost impossible to read a book. The concentration just isn't there. So when I finally got sober, I read voraciously - two, three, four books in a week. It was like I was trying to catch up on all the reading I had missed.

Writing was harder. My brain was still healing and the words didn't come as easily as I wanted them to. But I kept writing anyway. I think I wrote myself sober.

So when I asked myself, at the prodding of my therapist and people in my recovery groups: What would I do if I could do anything I wanted? The idea was to answer without fear or insecurity. Two things came immediately to mind and one of them was to be a professional writer. (The other was to be a stand up comedian, but that's a different story)

So I decided to do it. I had been sober for about three months when I wrote a fairy tale and sent it out to eight agents. All of them rejected the story, but four of them gave me specific feedback instead of the standard, "Not for us" note. Specific feedback is a rarity and I was thrilled! I made my own book out of the story and it sits on my coffee table in the living room. It's not the best writing I've ever done, but the book is beautiful and it represents the first book I've completed - let alone having the guts to send it "out there".

All of this scares the hell out of me - but I'm doing it. There are times (a lot of times) when I'm filled with insecurity and doubt about my writing - but I'm doing it. I may never win a contest or be a published writer - but I'm doing it. I'm doing it for me and that's what matters.

Jim Carroll - A Person Who Died

Jim Caroll (August 1, 1950 - September 11, 2009)

He was an amazing poet, punk rocker and author of The Basketball Diaries. RIP.

Didn't your mamma warn you....

...not to mess around with superglue? No? How about messing with pissed off women?



If it's no on both counts, here's a word of advice: don't....just don't....

Full steam ahead

Still waiting to hear from two agents who have my full manuscript. This is torture. I'd rather be dipped in sugar water and left suspended upside down in a tree next to a wasp nest. Naked. Or not. Wouldn't matter, really. Not to the wasps, anyway.

So while I'm enduring the literary equivalent of Chinese water torture, I've started writing my first novel. Very different from non-fiction, this is. I've been rolling the idea around for a while, and now I'm starting to develop the characters. It's been fun, and so far, has kept me from pulling out my hair strand by strand.

I don't want to give away the premise for two reasons. 1) I don't want to know if people think it's a dumb idea, and 2) ... actually, I guess it's just the one reason.

If anyone has any connections to either E*** H*****, or J**** B***, please encourage them to contact me soon, while I still have some semblance of sanity.

Never let anyone steal your thunder

I've posted this before, but I've needed a reminder lately. Maybe someone else does, too.

(If you're not comfortable with the god-thing, substitue whatever feels right for you. For me, it's the universe and everything in it.)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most

frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so

that other people won't feel insecure

around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we

unconsciously give other people permission

to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our

presence automatically liberates others.

~Marrianne Williamson

Double peanut butter cookies

Here's another recipe that I love.

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/4 cup crunchy peanut butter
1/4 cup shortening
1/4 cup margarine or butter
2 eggs

1 1/2 cups half wheat, half white flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ground flax
3/4 to 1 cup peanut butter chips

1.Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

2.Combine sugars, peanut butter and shortening in large bowl. Beat at medium speed of mixer until well blended. Add eggs & beat well. Combine flour, baking soda and salt. Add gradually to creamed mixture at low speed. Mix just until blended. Stir in peanut butter chips with spoon.

3.Shape into 1 1/2 inch balls. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet. Make crisscross marks on top with floured fork tines.

4.Bake for 8 to 10 minutes or until edges are set and tops are moist. Cool about 8 minutes on baking sheet before removing to flat surface.

MIA

I'm still here, and still sober. I've been having a rough time the past couple of weeks. I'm also re-thinking this blog. Not the actual blog, but the content. I've been thinking that what I've been doing so far isn't working out very well. The number of visitors has been steady, but small. I need to do something to attract more of a following. Obviously, not posting isn't going to work, but I need to figure out what exactly will.

I'll be back soon.