Families of addicts: Take care of yourselves

What did I do? How could I have been so blind? How do I fix this? Why don't they just stop?

Beautiful Boy, a book by David Shef about how his life was affected by his son's addiction, is an intimate look at what it is to love an addict while being powerless to make them stop. Shef gives a voice to the people on the other side of addiction: the ones who watch helplessly while someone they love destroys himself. Beautiful Boy is at once a requiem for the hope and expectation a father has for his son, and a ballad of self-preservation in the eye of the storm of addiction. If you haven't read it, you'll want to buy it.

Recovery is a complicated process and successful recovery involves more than simply separating the addict from the drug. (As always, when I talk about drugs, I'm talking about all drugs, including alcohol.) HELPGUIDE.ORG , a comprehensive website about drug use and recovery, as well as other life issues, has this to say:

Understanding what is involved in recovery

• You cannot force someone you love to stop abusing drugs. As much as you may want to, and as hard as it is seeing the effects of drug abuse, you cannot make someone stop using. The final choice is up to them. The right support can help you make positive choices for yourself, and balance encouraging your loved one to get help without losing yourself in the process.
• Don’t expect your loved one to be able to quit without support. Withdrawal symptoms can be unpleasant, painful, and even deadly. While medical input is always a good idea, if your loved one is addicted to benzodiazepines or is a heavy drinker, withdrawal can be dangerous and should be done under medical supervision.
• Recovery will be an ongoing process. Someone who abused drugs will not suddenly be a cured person once sober. Drug use may have been masking painful feelings that will bubble up to the surface. Many in recovery experience depressed moods for up to a year or more as their brain reestablishes from the drug abuse. Learning new coping skills to resist cravings, and how to apply them in stressful situations, is an ongoing process. Ongoing support is crucial to work through those issues.

Above all, take care of yourself.

Pursuing my dream

I've entered another writing contest. This time, it's a short story that I rewrote a bit before entering it here: http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/library/index.html/read/32510

If you would take a few minutes to register (registration is free) and give me feedback, I would appreciate it.

I'm also brainstorming to come up with an idea for another short story for a different contest. I figure all these things will keep me busy while I'm waiting for some brilliant agent to swoop me up out of the slush pile and escort me to my official career as an AUTHOR.

As an addict (and I know I've talked about this before) time can be a real enemy. One of the most difficult things about getting sober is trying to figure out what to do with all the time you suddenly have. Using is a full time job. The days and nights are filled with finding drugs, doing drugs and wondering when and where to get more drugs. Desperately running like a hamster in a cage trying to maintain your high or, more accurately, trying to not come down from the high.

When I speak to women's groups at the Walker Center, I always address the time issue and there are always lots of questions. What do you do when you finally get sober? If you don't find a meaningful way to fill your time, you're doomed to relapse.

All I know is what worked for me, and this is what I tell them:
Think back to when you were young...a little kid. What was your passion? What were your dreams? What did you love to do whether you were good at it or not? Paint, draw, dance, sing, play music, play make-believe (with adults this is called theater or drama...or mental illness, which is a whole different gig...) hike, yoga, lift weights, climb hills or mountains or, as cheesy as it sounds, volunteer. Whatever it is, when you find it, it will be monumental in maintaining your sobriety.

For me, it's writing. So for good or ill, I'm going for it. I'm putting myself "out there" and I've had some success. I hope to have more. For that to happen, though, I have to keep at it...and I am. And most days I'm happy. Some days I'm content and other days are plain shitty, but it's all good. The more sober time I have, the easier it is to find the strength (guts) to risk embarrassment or rejection. Everything else aside, this blog feels like a huge risk for me. Who am I to write a blog? Why do I think anyone would be interested in anything I have to say? Who the hell cares about my sobriety or my writing goals? Maybe no one. So I do it for me. I do it because I love to write. So even if no one other than my parents (hi, guys!) read this, I feel good about what I'm doing.

And with all this damn writing going on, who the hell has time to light up/spike up/drink up/rail up?

Querying Literary Agents

**Disclaimer: To any agents I've submitted to that may be reading this post - this does NOT refer to the query I sent you. (Big cheesy grin)

I've spent the morning writing query letters to agents for my book, DISAMBIGUATION. I've been at it since 6:00 am. It's now 12:24 pm. I've submitted to five agents this morning.

The process is a lengthy one, and obviously time consuming. When querying agents you have to have a great query letter, which is basically the pitch for your book. It needs to be concise and attention grabbing. In other words, ya' gotta WOW 'em!!

In addition to that, you have to research the agents you're going to submit to. Not only to ensure that you're querying an agent that represents the type of book you've written, but to make the letter personal. Agents want to know that you know something about them other than name, rank and serial number. They want to know why you're submitting to them. It makes sense, of course, but after several hours this morning and several more last night, I'm starting to feel like it's more of a process of finding a way to kiss ass.

Oy. So far, I've queried a total of seventeen agents. I think I'll write to three more later tonight to make it an even twenty. Funny, it doesn't sound like a lot but it feels like a kajillion. (Yes, that's a word. Didn't you just read it? Okay, then.)