Friday, October 3, 2008

Cravings and Addiction

When a person is deeply involved in their addiction, their drug of choice becomes necessary to do even the most mundane tasks. I think this is true of all drugs (when I speak of drugs, remember: alcohol is also a drug). I know it's true of meth.

The thing about meth for me, was that in the early stages of my using I was a cleaning maniac. I would clean my house incessantly: vacuum, dust, wash the walls...

But years later, the only thing I did incessantly was smoke meth. Everything else, including house cleaning, just fell by the wayside. I always thought I was getting a lot done, but the reality was that all I did was get high and think about getting things done. Every once in a while, I have to remind myself of that.

I have a thing about doing dishes. I don't know what it is. I have a dishwasher, so you would think it would be easy to stick the dishes in it as soon as I'm done with them. Maybe it would be if the dishwasher were ever empty. I hate it that I'm so bad about doing dishes and I try to stay on top of it. Maybe it has to do with me living alone. There's no one to impress and my seventeen year old son doesn't care. I'm making a conscious effort to be better about doing the dishes, and I have gotten better about it. But I'm certainly not the housekeeper I was in the early days of my addiction.

Every once in a while, I'll have these cravings. I guess that's what they are, because my thinking goes something like this:
"If I had a teener, I could get a lot done today!"
Which leads to this:
"Well, if I had an eight-ball, I could really get a lot done! Why, I could clean up this whole house! Wait! If I had a quarter ounce, I would do deep cleaning. I could re-arrange the furniture..."
It goes on and on.

The thing that gets me through my cravings is playing the scenario all the way out. I know that, for me, there's no such thing as the 'weekend warrior'. I'm an addict and addicts don't dabble. Like I've said before: if I get back on that horse, I'll ride off into the sunset and never be seen again. This isn't because of what I've been told in rehab or A.A. or N.A. I know this because I know myself. I know my addiction

So, if the dishes don't get done in a timely manner, I guess that's a small price to pay for my sobriety.

(Right, mom? he he)

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