Last weekend, I was at a poker party. Now, as some of you know, I have a hard time leaving my house, so this was huge for me. I'm not agoraphobic, but I do have some social anxiety - I tend to isolate.
Anyway, I went to this shin-dig and everyone there was drinking. When I first got there, I went to the fridge to get a Diet Coke and there was a twelve pack of beer. For the first time since I got sober, I thought, "Mmmm...beer!" Which is odd because I've always been a hard alcohol drinker. Beer was either just to chase the Jagermeister, or something I could take or leave. But I was irritated about some things that had happened that day and I was having bra-strap issues so I was feeling agitated. When I saw the beer, I thought how nice it would be to have one. Just to take the edge off, you know?
Someone told me that night, "If you want one, go ahead and have one." and for a split second, I considered it. Then I remembered that I have never wanted a beer. Ever. In my whole life, I've never even wanted a drink. I've wanted beers and drinks, but never a beer or a drink. Some, maybe most, people can have a drink and maybe not even finish it. I don't get that. Why bother? The way I see it, the only reason to drink at all is to keep having more drinks: to get drunk. If you're going to have just one beer, or one drink, why the hell are you bothering?!? Seems like a waste of perfectly good alcohol, to me.
Now, it has occurred to me in the past eighteen months, that my thinking may be skewed.
On my first day in rehab, my counselor asked me if I thought I could drink when I got out. I immediately answered, "Of course! My problem isn't alcohol. My problem is meth." (Actually, I didn't really think I was an addict at that time. I just thought I was really good at using drugs and rehab would be a great way for me to take a little break so I could catch up with the dragon I was forever chasing. Oy!)
Anyway, I know now that if I were to have a drink, I wouldn't stop until I was either drunk or the booze ran out. Most likely, the latter. And not just that. I know myself well enough to know that if my inhibitions are lowered, I would very likely go looking for meth. (or coke, or mushrooms, or acid, or...) I also know that if I were to jump on that ride again, I would probably never get off.
What I've told you here isn't just regurgitation of A.A. rhetoric. I know this within myself. I know that, for me, it's never about having a social drink (or line, or hit, or whatever). For me, it's all about escape. It's about altering my reality.
But so far, right now, my reality is pretty damn good.