Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Using Dreams

I've always had vivid dreams. All my life I've had trouble distinguishing my dreams from reality - at least when I first wake up - because they're so real. I dream in technicolor. I can smell, touch, taste and feel. They're as real to me as sitting here now, writing this post. So imagine what my using dreams are like. Loading my meth pipe from huge bags of it...breathing it in...(although, as I write this, I'm realizing I never feel the high. Hmmm. I hadn't really realized that before.)

But every time I have these dreams, the same thing happens: I suddenly realize what I've done and then it's like, "Shit! I just blew everything!" I get a horrible, panicky feeling and know that I can't undo what I've just done. I've ruined it - I've fucked up my sobriety and now I have to start all over!! And in my dreams I always try desperately to find a way to get the meth out of me. Then, when I wake up, the feeling lingers and for a few moments I'm filled with anxiety and the horror that I've thrown away everything I've worked so hard for. (and didn't even feel the high! Damn!)

The feeling fades after short while, and then I'm filled with gratitude that I didn't actually ruin everything. I'm still sober. I still have all that I've fought so hard for. I don't know if this kind of thing happens more with meth addicts or not. The using dreams have lessened as I get more sober time, but they still happen occasionally, and always with less power. They're upsetting to me because, just as in my last post, my biggest fear is that I'll never escape the thoughts and feelings associated with meth... that I'll never live a 'normal' life... that I'll be forever haunted by crystal and glass.

But, as I've said, as time goes on, and my sobriety strengthens, they begin to fade. I think that especially in my early sobriety, they were a good thing. The relief I felt upon waking and realizing I was still sober filled me with gratitude and strengthen my desire to live my life without meth.

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