Monday, September 15, 2008

Taking Back My Power

As much as I hate to admit it, I still get cravings for meth. I've been sober now for seventeen months and I sometimes wonder when they will stop. Unfortunately, I don't know if they ever will. Oh, I'm sure that with time, they will ease. I know they already have for me. It's just discouraging.

About six months ago, I decided I was doing well enough to start looking for my own place to live. I would go look at apartments and houses and leave extremely upset because as soon as I walked in , all I could think about was where I could use. "This room is great because no one can see into it from the front door." Or, "Now THAT'S a great stash place!"

These thoughts would just blindside me. It wasn't that I wanted to use meth. It was just these uncontrollable thoughts and feelings would smack me in the face like an icy brick.

In rehab, they would always talk about cravings. "Do you have cravings? What triggers your cravings? What will you do when you have cravings at home?" I thought they were crazy. I always thought of cravings as something like the way I feel when I get my period and I NEED CHOCOLATE. Like you can taste it and it's all you can think about. Then I realized that's pretty much the way I thought of meth for a long time after I quit using.

I know other addicts must feel the same way, and I know it's all part of the recovery process. It just scares me when, out of nowhere...BAM! I'm blind sided and feel like I'm regressing instead of PROgressing.

One thing I have learned, though, is that by expressing these feelings instead of keeping them to myself out of shame, the power of the thoughts go away. That's why I'm writing this blog: to take back my power.

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