Last weekend, I was at a poker party. Now, as some of you know, I have a hard time leaving my house, so this was huge for me. I'm not agoraphobic, but I do have some social anxiety - I tend to isolate.
Anyway, I went to this shin-dig and everyone there was drinking. When I first got there, I went to the fridge to get a Diet Coke and there was a twelve pack of beer. For the first time since I got sober, I thought, "Mmmm...beer!" Which is odd because I've always been a hard alcohol drinker. Beer was either just to chase the Jagermeister, or something I could take or leave. But I was irritated about some things that had happened that day and I was having bra-strap issues so I was feeling agitated. When I saw the beer, I thought how nice it would be to have one. Just to take the edge off, you know?
Someone told me that night, "If you want one, go ahead and have one." and for a split second, I considered it. Then I remembered that I have never wanted a beer. Ever. In my whole life, I've never even wanted a drink. I've wanted beers and drinks, but never a beer or a drink. Some, maybe most, people can have a drink and maybe not even finish it. I don't get that. Why bother? The way I see it, the only reason to drink at all is to keep having more drinks: to get drunk. If you're going to have just one beer, or one drink, why the hell are you bothering?!? Seems like a waste of perfectly good alcohol, to me.
Now, it has occurred to me in the past eighteen months, that my thinking may be skewed.
On my first day in rehab, my counselor asked me if I thought I could drink when I got out. I immediately answered, "Of course! My problem isn't alcohol. My problem is meth." (Actually, I didn't really think I was an addict at that time. I just thought I was really good at using drugs and rehab would be a great way for me to take a little break so I could catch up with the dragon I was forever chasing. Oy!)
Anyway, I know now that if I were to have a drink, I wouldn't stop until I was either drunk or the booze ran out. Most likely, the latter. And not just that. I know myself well enough to know that if my inhibitions are lowered, I would very likely go looking for meth. (or coke, or mushrooms, or acid, or...) I also know that if I were to jump on that ride again, I would probably never get off.
What I've told you here isn't just regurgitation of A.A. rhetoric. I know this within myself. I know that, for me, it's never about having a social drink (or line, or hit, or whatever). For me, it's all about escape. It's about altering my reality.
But so far, right now, my reality is pretty damn good.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Walker Center
In November, 2006, I went to the Walker Center in Gooding, Idaho for 30 day in-patient rehab for my addiction to meth. I had used drugs since I was twelve years old but it was because of meth that I ended up at the Walker Center.
For just over five years prior to going to rehab, I smoked meth every day without fail. All day, every day. Without exception.
A series of circumstances finally led me to admit to my parents that I was an addict and needed help. I looked at a lot of drug treatment centers before deciding on The Walker Center. There were several reasons for choosing this particular rehab center, only one of them being the cost.
What I would like to discuss here is a little known option for drug and alcohol rehab treatment - The Walker Center.
I researched numerous facilities and found the programs themselves to be fairly similar. The only noticeable differences were the amenities, prestige and cost. Most treatment centers cost between $50,000 and $100,000 for a 30 day stay. The same length of stay at the Walker Center is between $8,000 and $10,000. Why the difference? Fluff and prestige.
At a higher priced rehab center there will be amenities like fluffy down comforters on the beds, 600 thread count sheets, pools, spas, beautiful rolling hills surrounding the place, hiking trails beside trickling streams, swimming pools and topiary. As for the actual program, you will get individual and group therapy, drug and alcohol education classes, an intense family program, daily exercise and nutrition.
As for scenery, Gooding, Idaho is pretty flat and desolate, but surrounded by mountains and offering the most breath-taking sunrises and sunsets I've ever seen. There are no pools or spas and the sheets leave something to be desired. (although you can bring your own) The food, however, is exceptional. This is no small thing for addicts and alcoholics who, for the most part, are severely malnourished. (Many 'upscale' rehab centers I've heard about, from people who have been to them, have mediocre food and angry, underpaid cooks.)
The treatment offered at The Walker Center is first class. Although it was just the beginning of my journey, but I don't know how I would have achieved sobriety without in-patient rehab. I owe a lot to The Walker Center - and my parents who made it possible for me to get the help I so desperately needed.
Thank you (again) mom and dad.
For just over five years prior to going to rehab, I smoked meth every day without fail. All day, every day. Without exception.
A series of circumstances finally led me to admit to my parents that I was an addict and needed help. I looked at a lot of drug treatment centers before deciding on The Walker Center. There were several reasons for choosing this particular rehab center, only one of them being the cost.
What I would like to discuss here is a little known option for drug and alcohol rehab treatment - The Walker Center.
I researched numerous facilities and found the programs themselves to be fairly similar. The only noticeable differences were the amenities, prestige and cost. Most treatment centers cost between $50,000 and $100,000 for a 30 day stay. The same length of stay at the Walker Center is between $8,000 and $10,000. Why the difference? Fluff and prestige.
At a higher priced rehab center there will be amenities like fluffy down comforters on the beds, 600 thread count sheets, pools, spas, beautiful rolling hills surrounding the place, hiking trails beside trickling streams, swimming pools and topiary. As for the actual program, you will get individual and group therapy, drug and alcohol education classes, an intense family program, daily exercise and nutrition.
As for scenery, Gooding, Idaho is pretty flat and desolate, but surrounded by mountains and offering the most breath-taking sunrises and sunsets I've ever seen. There are no pools or spas and the sheets leave something to be desired. (although you can bring your own) The food, however, is exceptional. This is no small thing for addicts and alcoholics who, for the most part, are severely malnourished. (Many 'upscale' rehab centers I've heard about, from people who have been to them, have mediocre food and angry, underpaid cooks.)
The treatment offered at The Walker Center is first class. Although it was just the beginning of my journey, but I don't know how I would have achieved sobriety without in-patient rehab. I owe a lot to The Walker Center - and my parents who made it possible for me to get the help I so desperately needed.
Thank you (again) mom and dad.
Monday, September 22, 2008
A.A. - Cult or Cure? Part III
Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Over Eaters Anonymous... and on... and on...
I've been on this rant now for three days. The reason is that I'm often asked why I don't go to meetings or why I'm not active in A.A. I suppose, then, that these posts have been my explanation, at least for myself.
I don't know if A.A. is a cult or not. I know there are very strong viewpoints on both sides about it and for that reason, there will never be a definitive answer. It's like arguing religion or abortion. The opposing sides are arguing with different sets of facts, so the argument becomes moot.
For me, it took a lot of work on myself to become sober. To maintain my sobriety is an ongoing process. Every day I make a conscious effort to have gratitude for the life I have now. I use what I've learned in Cognitive Self Change to help re-construct my thinking errors. I try not to isolate and I've found ways to fill my own personal void. I'll always be working on these things, knowing that my life is a thousand times better than when I was using.
Without these tools, without finding a new way to fill the emptiness I've always felt, I don't know how I could not want to go back to drugs.
So my unease with A.A. is not due to resistance or rebellion. I simply find that, for me, it's not something I need. Though it's a good starting point, I've just found too many inconsistencies, closed minds and hypocrisy in A.A., which are the same things I've found in most organizations.
Just because I think A.A. is not right for me doesn't mean my sobriety has any less quality than any other sober person.
I've been on this rant now for three days. The reason is that I'm often asked why I don't go to meetings or why I'm not active in A.A. I suppose, then, that these posts have been my explanation, at least for myself.
I don't know if A.A. is a cult or not. I know there are very strong viewpoints on both sides about it and for that reason, there will never be a definitive answer. It's like arguing religion or abortion. The opposing sides are arguing with different sets of facts, so the argument becomes moot.
For me, it took a lot of work on myself to become sober. To maintain my sobriety is an ongoing process. Every day I make a conscious effort to have gratitude for the life I have now. I use what I've learned in Cognitive Self Change to help re-construct my thinking errors. I try not to isolate and I've found ways to fill my own personal void. I'll always be working on these things, knowing that my life is a thousand times better than when I was using.
Without these tools, without finding a new way to fill the emptiness I've always felt, I don't know how I could not want to go back to drugs.
So my unease with A.A. is not due to resistance or rebellion. I simply find that, for me, it's not something I need. Though it's a good starting point, I've just found too many inconsistencies, closed minds and hypocrisy in A.A., which are the same things I've found in most organizations.
Just because I think A.A. is not right for me doesn't mean my sobriety has any less quality than any other sober person.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)