Monday, July 6, 2009

Now I lay me down to sleep

There are a lot of things I hate about being an addict. I hate BEING an addict, I hate the cravings, I hate that I have regrets...

But for me, the worst of the worst are the using dreams. I've been having them all night long, every night for over a week now, which is unusual for me. I've had them from time to time since getting sober, but they've faded with time.

This past week, though, they've been bad. In them, I've been using and want to stop but feel like I can't ask for help because people are so proud of me for getting and staying sober. The dreams are filled with glass pipes, bags of meth and me sneaking around. I'm hiding things and always on the verge of getting caught and I feel so awful, it's hard to describe. As I write this, I'm crying. I'm sad for two reasons. One, because I'm so afraid of blowing everything I've worked so hard for and never getting another chance. I'm afraid I'd lose everything and everyone I love. The second reason I'm so sad right now is because I have these dreams at all. When will all this stop? When will I stop being haunted by fear and shame?

Maybe never. So what do I do? How do I deal with these God-awful nights?

I do my best. I don't put myself in ANY situation that may provide the opportunity to fail. I know people in recovery who spend all their time with their "using" friends (who are also in recovery) and do nothing but talk about the old days. I know people who've been sober for years who send money to their friends who are serving time, who write faithfully to those people and anticipate their release. I know meth addicts who think it's okay to go to bars, who let down their guard. When nothing happens to them, it makes it that much easier for them to put themselves in harms way again. Then, it's just a matter of time.

I'm no one to judge anyone else, and I don't, but this is what I mean when I talk about respecting my addiction. I hate it. And I respect it, because if I don't, if I get complacent and decide that I've conquered it, that's when I'm in trouble.

This is why I write about my meth addiction and all this everyday, seemingly trivial bullshit. It helps me stay sober. I'm not crying anymore because I've gotten it all out, and that's a good thing. It's the things we keep inside ourselves that have the power to kill us.


  1. I have a lot I want to say and I've no idea how to say it so I'll just dive in and hope I get it right.

    First of all, I'd like to say that your strength of will is admirable. I don't know much about addiction and recovery but I do know that recovery from any kind of addiction is painful. I respect your determination and can't imagine how tormenting it must be.

    Second, perhaps these dreams are a way for your mind to process your hidden worries? I heard a theory that the mind uses dreams to examine worries and then let them go, kind of like figuring out the worst case scenario and coming to terms with that. The fact that you're so vigilant in not relapsing and putting yourself in dangerous situations shows that you're concerned with self preservation and are not going to get into the scenario.

    That's what it seems to me. I hope my rambling words have made sense to you.


  2. Thank you so much for your kind words. It's nice to know I'm not out here in cyber-space babbling to myself:)

    Thanks, Jai.