Anyone who follows my blog probably knows that I've been sober for 2 years, 4 months and 12 days. (Not that I'm keeping track)
Anyway, a lot of people I talk to and chat with ask about triggers: the everyday things that trigger the urge to use. I remember when I had been sober for almost a year and started looking for an apartment. The first thing I would think when I would go look at a place was, "Oh, that would be a great place to use. That would be a great place to stash...etc." That's how I knew I wasn't quite ready to be on my own yet.
Triggers can happen when you least expect them. I was helping my parents decorate the Christmas tree for my first sober Christmas, and Mom showed me this decoration she tried to make the year before. It was a clear glass globe that she'd put glue and iridescent glitter in and swirled around. It didn't quite work. It all ended up in sort of a glob at the bottom of the globe. To me, though, it looked just like really good crystal melted down and ready to smoke. I told her what was going through my mind and she threw it away immediately. (bless her)
So today I went grocery shopping. I just needed a few things, but I also wanted to make apple tarts for my son and myself. Apple tarts are really good served warm with whipped cream on them, so I picked up a can of that spray kind. When I got home and was putting things away, I had a sudden urge to suck all the propellant out of the can. (true addicts will know what I'm talking about) I even had it up to my lips for a second thinking I'd just have a little 'rush'.
I didn't do it.
Why? Because I know and respect my addiction. I know that if I were to start down that road again, sooner or later I would be knee deep in empty Reddi Whip cans and jonesing for meth. Maybe not today, but sooner or later.
Why am I writing about this? The main reason is that it helps me to be able to communicate my feelings when something like this happens. The other reason is that maybe someone in a similar situation will read this and know they're not alone with the weird little thoughts that pop into an addicts head from out of the blue.
Next time I'll just buy Cool Whip.